Now You Can Listen to anti-Japanese Rap Song “Fuck Zapan” Courtesy Mutant Frog Travelogue

DJ Doc
One of my first posts for Mutant Frog Travelogue concerned the strange case of an anti-Japanese rap song from Korean rap group DJ Doc (pictured above). In my infinite magnanimity, I translated the unintentionally hilarious lyrics:

Are you going to lie about your own history?! (Hai!) Go ahead and lie, you deceitful pigfeet!
Pussies! How much will you lie, pigfeet?! Keep on lying, Japs!
Lie to your mom and dad! Lie to your mom and dad!
Will you eat your mom? (Hai!) Is that OK? Yeah, that’s fine! That’s just fine!
Retard bitches! Go and have a seizure!
You barbarian, epileptic Japanese!
Mouse-dicked Jeps “Japan is our toilet!”… FUCK!
Pucking nation.. Chapan is a Pucking nation*4 (repeat 2x)

The post proved to be one of our most popular and generated comments that ranged from the merely curious (“Can’t we ALL just get ALONG?!”) to the downright deranged (“You’ll never look as good as the white man. so go eat some kemchi or sushi or shrimp fried rice you slit/slant eyed freaks.”).

Unfortunately, the site I originally linked to took down the audio clip, and I accidentally deleted the MP3 I had. But now I’m feeling generous again, so here it is again in all its amateurish glory! I’ve saved the file here, so this song will never again be lost to history. Try singing along using my English version of the lyrics!

(Thanks to ZMPK for making the song available again and Saru for taking the time to search for it)

Mistyping Japanese names

After reading this rather interesting New York Times (by way of the International Herald Tribune) article about how Yomiuri Shinbum publisher Tsuneo Watanabe has recently been reconsidering the impact of the right-wing political views that he has helped to spread through his paper, I decided to look for some Japanese language coverage of this issue using Google News Japan.

As you may or may not know, Japanese names are more or less insane. That is, the method of writing them in Japanese. Despite their phonetic simplicity and easy spelling when transcribed in, say, the Roman alphabet, it feels to me little exaggeration to claim that becoming an expert in the reading and writing of Japanese names would take almost as much effort as learning to read and write the entire rest of the dictionary.

Japanese names (both people and places) are written using the same kanji (Chinese characters) as other, ordinary words, but are often pronounced in ways that are entirely unrelated to their pronounciation in other words, with some parents even assigning names to their children in which the characters used to transcribe it and the pronounciation have absolutely no historical relationship to one another. Furthermore, even many common names have several, or even dozens, of different possible ways that they can be written.

This can pose a severe problem when Googling a Japanese person’s name. Just because you know how to spell their name in English does not mean that you can type it correctly in Japanese. Sure, if you type sounds, the Windows IME will convert it to kanji, but with so many different ways of writing names, the odds are that it will have chosen incorrectly.

In the case of Tsuneo Watanabe, I had never read about him before, and therefore didn’t know what kanji he uses to write his name. Now, the family name is easy. (In Japanese, as many other Asian languages, the family name is written first, so to avoid cross-linguistic confusion I won’t say “first” or “last” name.)

Watanabe is one of the more common family names in Japan, and generally always written the same way, 渡辺. It CAN be written using other kanji, such as 渡部 or 渡邊 (although technically the latter one is just the old-fashioned or “traditional” version of the common character), but the standard 渡辺 is overwhelmingly the most common, and so I could easily assume that Tsuneo Watanabe writes his family name in this way.

Now comes the tough part. When you type Tsuneo in Japanese text input mode in Windows, the software gives you all of the following choices:
常雄 恒夫 恒雄 恒男 常夫 常男 庸夫 常生 恒郎 恒生 庸男 経雄 庸雄 経男 庸郎 経夫
Yes, there are actually 16 of them, and there are even more possible combinations that aren’t pre-programmed into the software’s dictionary. Naturally, I tried the first option that popped up, which was 恒夫, and lo, there was a hit. Strangely, a single hit. For a name important enough to pop up in the New York Times, I would have expected a huge amount of coverage in the native language, so I had a look at the article itself. Ok, it definitely seems to be the guy… but why only one hit?

Realizing what the problem was, I tried another search, this time And lo, there were 31 hits! Instead of searching for his entire name, I’d tried just 読売  渡辺, or in alphabet, Watanabe + Yomiuri, the name of his newspaper. Why did I get 31 hits on the second try, yet only a single hit on the original search? Because both I and the newspaper representing that single hit made the same mistake! Both of us had simply chosen the first possible kanji offered by the Windows IME instead of the correct name. As it turns out, his name is actually
渡辺恒雄.

While the frustration of trying to deal with Japanese names is something that I just have to deal with (at least, if I intent to keep using and studying the language!) at least once in a while I get the satisfaction of seeing that even Japanese people can’t keep it straight.

In case they correct their mistake, here it is, preservered, for the record.
tsuneo watanabe.gif

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some articles to read.

I presume this means something

Seen in a contract between two large-ish companies which shall remain nameless:

“If [list of conditions omitted], then Company shall have a presumptive right to extend the contract.”

Discussion questions:

  1. What’s a “presumptive right?” Is that different from a regular right?
  2. Is “shall have” different from “will have?” Or, for that matter, “has?”
  3. All in all, how is “shall have a presumptive right to” different from “may?”

Why I’m changing my name, part 1

I’m taking an overnight trip out of town in a couple of weeks, and I decided to book a room in a “business hotel” online. Some of these places are surprisingly cheap: you can stay in the middle of a big city for as little as $40 a night or even less.

Then, I got this email:

Thank you for your reservation at ____ Hotel. We are contacting you because of a matter of importance for our customers from overseas.

At ____ Hotel, our rooms are secured at night with an automatic lock system and PIN pads. While the PIN pad system is very convenient, it is also complicated, and among our customers who are not particularly proficient in Japanese or have difficulty understanding Japanese, many have been unable to use the system, or have been locked out of their rooms at night.

Because of this, we ask all customers who do not speak Japanese to provide a translator at check-in when possible. After one stay the system is fairly easy to use, but as we cannot verify that you, Mr. Joe [sic], have stayed with us before, we are sending this message to you. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

Yet another reason I need to naturalize and change my name to Joichi Koizumi.

Update: I was thinking about this over a slow afternoon in the office, and I started wondering: “What would Debito do?” (Somehow he works his way into all of my blog posts.) So I wrote back to the hotel:

Thank you for your e-mail. I live in Japan and work as a translator, so I don’t think there will be any problem. One thing I do wonder about, though, is whether you have had instructions written in English? Many hotels and weekly mansions in Tokyo have similar systems, and they provide instructions in English so that foreign customers do not have to worry about misunderstanding. Maybe something similar would save you from having to send out these warnings (and also be more convenient for your guests who don’t speak Japanese).

The hotel manager wrote me back within ten minutes.

Thank you for your reply. We do indeed have an English version of the instruction sheet you suggested in your e-mail, so please don’t worry about that. Our customers are not generally from the English-speaking world, thus the e-mail you received. Thank you again for your comment, and we hope you have a safe trip.

Sooo, that’s that. I guess the interpreter is only necessary if you can’t read.

Bad Japanese to the 4th power times 12

This ultra dorky gaming blog run by some anonymous American nerd has the most hilariously bad Japanese I have ever seen. This is so amazingly ridiculously atrocious that it makes Engrish.com look like Geoffrey Chaucer.

Nintendo は再度上がる! 反抗して準備ができているか。

Nintendo は再度上がる。Nintendo の回転は実施中にある。準備ができているか。考えるものを忘れなさい知っている。賭博の回転のために準備されなさい。液浸の回転! 秘密によってはハリウッドがBroadway に会うところにがある。 第12 力の時4 への10 は見るものである。ない実際はspec シートでしかし。 eMagin は真実を保持する。 Nintendo は再度上がる。 反抗して準備ができているか。
Seriousgamer007 はRedmond に内部にある。私がであるかだれ秘密は残る。 信じなさい 回転は来ている!

SeriousGamer007 は実質及びNintendo の内部にである!

The grammar is honestly so bad that I think the only way to properly convey the effect is to run it through Babelfish.

Nintendo rises for the second time! Opposing, does preparation do? Nintendo rises for the second time. As for the revolution of Nintendo it is in the midst of executing. Does preparation do? Forget those which you think you have known. Prepare for turning the gambling. Revolution of immersion! At the point where Hollywood meets to Broadway depending upon secret bitterly it is. At the time of 12th power 10 to 4 is something which is seen. It is not, but really with the spec seat. EMagin keeps truth. Nintendo rises for the second time. Opposing, does preparation do? As for Seriousgamer007 in Redmond it is inside. Am I or, some secret remains. Believes revolution has come! SeriousGamer007 is inside substance and Nintendo!

He strings together grammatical structures that make no sense together-for ‘immersion’ he uses the word that means literally ‘to immerse something in liquid.’ Gambling? I have no idea. He seems to be trying to say something like “ten to the fourth power times twelve” but instead of actually using the mathematical terms, he just uses the literal words ‘times’ and ‘power,’ enabling the ちんぷんかんぶん that you see before you.

Now, I’m not just making fun of him for writing bad Japanese. Everyone writes stuff just as bad as this in language class. No, it’s not just that it’s bad, but that he clearly thinks he’s so goddamn cool for being enough of an uber-dork to write idiotic nonsense about Japanese videogames in the holy language itself. Even written in English it would have been such fanboyish blather that, after reading it, you might wonder for a second if merely by reading this blog you might be somehow rendering invalid all of the maturity you have developed since the sixth grade. Just look at the kind of blather that he actually DOES write in English.

Thank you for following this blog. This blog has become enormously popular. Gamers from countries all over the world have found this blog. This blog leads the war on gaming dominance for Nintendo.

This blog is at the forefront of that battle. The Nintendo blog to change everything.

This is clearly the guy in your Japanese 101 class who embodies all the stereotypes. His very existence casts a dark cloud over all of us who study Japanese and happen to also enjoy pop culture like video games or manga instead of a strict diet of noh, geisha and zen. In response, I would like to borrow the words of yesterday’s SomethingAwful post.

I would like to take a moment to apologize to the Japanese. The people from the United States and Canada that end up living in your country are almost all horrible and I am really sorry about that. Most Americans don’t really love manga, Pocky and babbling for hours on end about obscure videogame minutiae.

A dream deferred

From the Taipei Times Taiwan Quick Take section.

Academics from China and Taiwan will gather in Taipei next April to discuss ways to promote “exchanges” of the simplified and traditional Chinese characters that are used on each side of the Taiwan Strait. Liao Hsien-hao (廖咸浩), director of Taipei City’s Department of Cultural Affairs, said yesterday that some Chinese academics are calling for “restoring” the use of traditional characters in China since the historical background for adopting the simplified characters has changed. In the face of changes in information technology, he said, both sides should take a practical and scientific attitude toward Chinese characters.

Here’s my idea of a perfect compromise: China brings back simplified traditional characters, and Taiwan adopts the mainland’s Hanyu pinyin system for romanization, and bans all of the various gibberish versions used throughout the ROC.

Sports Authority Japan: “We want to memorize player in your heat.”


Engrish,” as it is affectionately known, is the phenomenon of advertisements and other products from Japan featuring English slogans/instructions that make no sense yet maintain a definite corporate-ese feel to them. If you ever go to Japan, you will be able to see many examples of this ever-present, often hilarious reminder that in general the Japanese can’t seem to get their brains around the English language. But coming from an American company there is simply no excuse for this:

The player brings great shopping experience to each customer.
Talented staff with abundant products afford of full-line and knowledge.
TSA, large-size full-line sporting goods retailer,
offers service synthetic from a hard side to a soft side.
TSA is most loved by all people that enjoy a sports,
and wants to become the existence trusted most from them.
We will play game with our originally to become successful player.

What happened? Their “organism plan” offers no immediate clues.

I decided to run a test:
Continue reading Sports Authority Japan: “We want to memorize player in your heat.”