Sports Authority Japan: “We want to memorize player in your heat.”

Engrish,” as it is affectionately known, is the phenomenon of advertisements and other products from Japan featuring English slogans/instructions that make no sense yet maintain a definite corporate-ese feel to them. If you ever go to Japan, you will be able to see many examples of this ever-present, often hilarious reminder that in general the Japanese can’t seem to get their brains around the English language. But coming from an American company there is simply no excuse for this:

The player brings great shopping experience to each customer.
Talented staff with abundant products afford of full-line and knowledge.
TSA, large-size full-line sporting goods retailer,
offers service synthetic from a hard side to a soft side.
TSA is most loved by all people that enjoy a sports,
and wants to become the existence trusted most from them.
We will play game with our originally to become successful player.

What happened? Their “organism plan” offers no immediate clues.

I decided to run a test:

Machine translation, go!

プレーヤーは各顧客に大きいショッピング経験を持って来る。豊富なプロダクトを持つ有能なスタッフは実線及び知識のできる。TSA の大きいサイズの実線のスポーツ用品の小売商は、堅い側面からの柔らかい側面にサービス合成物質を提供する。TSA はスポーツを楽しむ愛され、それらからのほとんど信頼される存在になりたいと思うすべての人々によって最も。私達は成功したプレーヤーになるために私達ののゲームを最初にする。

Translated back into English by me:

Players bring a large shopping experience to each customer.
Talented staff with a wealth of products can solid line and knowledge.
TSA’s large size’s solid line sporting goods retailing provides service synthetic materials from the hard side to the soft side.
TSA receives “a love that enjoys sports” and the most by all people who want to become almost completely trusted by those.
We will put our game first in order to become successful players.

Getting there a little bit, but it still doesn’t make sense! It likely wasn’t just a poor machine translation, so maybe they just gave the job of translating the website to some section chief who had studied abroad in England back in the 80s.

Perhaps some of the insanity can be explained by the concentration camp-style pink triangle that is apparently illustrates their business model (peace + humanity + local community = consumers?). Imagine the man pictured saying anything on this site with a straight face:

A store that brings a smile to everyone,
from those who do it, those who watch it and
even those who are fans.

What on earth are they selling?!

Their return policy is reassuring, though:

Return Policy is the proof of reliance
with a customer.

“Return Policy” is one of services that when customer buy something goods and it is not satisfy, goods can change other. Then, goods can be exchanged with receipt.

Goods no change other by strengths. Other does change self only.

Anyway, take a look for yourself. The images don’t lend themselves to easy stealing, but you might want to check out the mustachioed president kissing the Sports Authority joint venture partner‘s ass in the “President’s Letter” (one of the less Engrish-y passages on the site, incidentally).

UPDATE: Also notice on the bottom it says “Sorry, this site is Japanese Only.” OK, this is on the ENGLISH site, so it must mean that they bar all non-Japanese from looking at their site. Debito, where are you when we need you?!