Author: Joe Jones

Some people just “get” Japan without even coming here


Conversation with a friend back in Philly:

Wade: it's been raining here like crazy
Wade: the delaware flooded a few weeks back
Wade: a whole bunch of jersey girls were forced to use their big hair as floatation devices
Joe: yeah, here too... there was a big front that passed through all of japan at once so the whole country was in a couple of inches of rain
Joe: there were landslides etc.
Wade: oh shit
Wade: but then Koizumi stopped the flooding with his BARE HANDS

I don’t doubt that he could. (For that matter, I don’t doubt that his hair could be used as a floatation device.)

When rikishi attack

Yesterday, Russian rikishi Roho was easily tossed out of the sumo ring by Chiyotaikai (video). As usual, Roho looked like he was about to rip someone a few new assholes. Unfortunately, he wasn’t messing around this time:

Still heated, Roho smashed a bathroom glass window on his way back to the dressing room and after receiving a reprimand from the JSA judging committee, proceeded to attack the photographers who were trying to take his photo.

“Violence toward field reporters is truly shameful and unforgivable for a sportsman,” the Mainichi Shimbun said in a statement.

Exactly what triggered the exchange is unclear but both Roho and Chiyotaikai received warnings from JSA Chairman Kitanoumi. The Russian wrestler later said that Chiyotaikai made a derogatory comment after the bout that set him off.

Roho will forfeit his bout against ozeki Tochiazuma Sunday and have two rest days.

Let’s see him try to get into an onsen now…

The TV has claimed my life!

Some of you might be wondering where the hell I am most of the time. This conversation is illustrative:

Adamu: sup man
Joe: watching TV
Adamu: cweet
Joe: just saw ryoko hirosue score a penalty kick against a dog
Joe: then watched a guy get punk’d by another guy who dressed up as a panda

Normally, I hate TV, but there’s a lot of awesome stuff I’ve been watching lately:

  • Sumo. Foreign rikishi were such a great move! Now we have guys like Roho, who looks at his opponents with a face that says “Listen, buddy, I eat glass and shit sand.” And good ol’ Asashoryu, who’s fond of guts poses and doesn’t make secret his contempt for kimchi.
  • NHK’s Weeky News for Kids. The zero interest rate policy is so much more fun when you have a freaky cartoon character and a weirdo dressed in plaid trying to explain it.
  • Commercials featuring Japanese-speaking foreigners.
  • It’s damn funny to watch Shido Nakamura lamely explain that he was “only drinking oolong tea.”

Someday I’ll get in on the act with my own show, “Bengoshi no JOE!” Every Thursday night, I’ll decide a case along with my two co-judges, a random comedian/dietperson and a random “talent” with huge breasts.

“Aaaa, kare kara da! BABY!”

Courtesy of YouTube, some old-school Japanese hip-hop so charming in its lameness that it’s begging to be sung at karaoke on the next office trip.

Quoth Wikipedia:

Unarguably the group’s biggest song, selling millions. The lyrics are often thought of as simple with no heavy social commentary. (Although this is similar to a lot of Japanese hip hop of the time.)

Da yo ne.

Negligent driver, meet negligent management and negligent legal system

If JAL’s shoddy maintenance doesn’t kill you, this guy might:

A 55-year old driver of the “Airport Limousine,” operating between the Haneda Airport terminal and aircraft parked on the apron, was found to have continued driving for nine days in May and June of last year despite having had his license suspended for drunk driving.

Tokyo Airport Transit, the bus operating company, ordered the driver dismissed.

According to the company, they had not been informed about his license suspension for drunk driving. As the buses operate on the taxiways, a “Restricted Area Driving Permit” is required in addition to a regular driver’s license. However, because on-field inspections only check to see whether the permit is being carried, it was not discovered that the driver had no regular driver’s license. The company checks its drivers’ personal violation records once per year, and only noticed the man’s violation in November.

For double the fun, take his bus to your next flight on Northwest!

JAPAN NEEDS TO GET LAID!

This did not come from The Onion:

More sex. That’s what one expert says is needed to solve Japan’s baby shortage.

“Japanese people simply aren’t having sex,” Dr. Kunio Kitamura, director of the Japan Family Planning Association, was quoted as saying by the Japan Times, an English language daily.

An association survey of 936 people between the ages of 16 and 49 showed 31 percent had not had sex for more than a month “for no particular reason” — a condition known as “sexless.” (Where I come from, we call it “NERD!”)

“As much as subsidies and welfare programs are important, sexlessness is also a critical issue in this problem.”

To which a friend of mine replied:

Seriously, what Japan are they surveying?

Obviously not Roppongi.

Lawson CEO: Expect almost completely automated kombini in next five years

There was a cool piece in today’s Nikkei (special Monday high-tech supplement) asking Lawson CEO Takeshi Niinami about the future of kombinis in today’s rapidly-advancing world.

Asked about what to expect from Japanese convenience stores (kombini) within the next five years, he laid out his vision: a person will be able to walk into a Lawson, be identified by the mobile payment system in their phone, pick up items on the shelf, and walk out without going to the register. RFID chips on each item will cause sensors at the door to automatically total their purchases and charge it to their mobile wallet.

The real bonus of this setup: Niinami believes that the average Lawson, which requires about 20 employees today, will be able to get by with just five. I, for one, will happily await the day when I don’t have to deal with some shit-ass at the register who thinks I’m an alien. Although I guess I’ll still have to deal with people when I want my bento microwaved…

Supreme Court: Stop your sniveling about Yasukuni

The Supreme Court of Japan dismissed a 278-plaintiff appeal against Koizumi yesterday, holding that his visiting Yasukuni “is not something that interferes with others’ religious faiths” and therefore cannot be the basis for a damage award.

However, they declined to rule on the constitutionality of the visits, stating that since there was no standing for the claim for damages, there was also no need to make a constitutional ruling. It’s another case of squirming out of the hot seat: the Supreme Court has used this tactic before to avoid addressing sensitive political questions, most notably whether the Self-Defense Forces are permitted under Article 9. (See my earlier post on the subject.)

Full story at the Japan Times if you’d like to know more.

“You’re such a Japanophile, your picture is in Wikipedia”

Seriously. Quote from one of the people supporting the picture’s inclusion in Wikipedia:

I reapplied the picture from the original inserter because it fits the catagory properly. It is only helpful to the this word listing, and follows closely what the wiki definition is. Saying he is an expertert in Japanese culture is pretty bogus, but then again, a Japanophile never really is classified as an expert. It says within the definition itself as a misguided interest sometimes. “Japanophile” is not something that one person can represent, but this picture and what this person has done makes this picture adequate.

Then someone decided to replace the picture with Lafcadio Hearn. Then someone added the picture back, saying:

Though the addition of Lafcadio is notable, it was far from purposes of benefit of the article, but more to suite your harassment of the “Japanophile” picture. You seem to be trying to crash this picture as well as the one simular on another article for your own personal goals, not the benefit of Wiki. Lafcadio does suit this article, but I have reinstated the previous picture also as it touches on the fanatic/popular culture side of Japanophile which is so common today and what most people recognize the word as.

This is one of those rare situations where you can really learn more from the commenters at Japundit than from Wikipedia.