BREAKING NEWS: Debito to quit activism

The Japan Times, April 1, 2010

(Sapporo) April 1: Activist Debito Arudou announced in a press conference today that he will be hanging up his gloves and quitting activism.

“It sucks to support the tired, the poor, and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” Debito was quoted as saying. “I’m tired of being a poor, huddling mass breathing for free.”

Debito claimed dire poverty. “Money (that’s what I want),” he said, citing the Beatles.

“From now on, I’m going to be a Japanese government shill, representing our incorruptible, self-sacrificing, and endearing bureaucrats as a bridge to explain our country’s noble and altruistic motives to the rest of the world. We are unique, after all. That line pays better.”

Clutching two burlap bags with dollar signs on them, he said, “Pay me in yen next time.”

When asked if this was not a departure from the standard Debito Doctrine, Debito said, “I’m a Japanese citizen now, so call me by my last name with a -san attached! Or I’ll sue you.”

Debito refrained from further comment, except to say, “Kora! I thought I just told you to call me ‘Arudou-san’!”

10 thoughts on “BREAKING NEWS: Debito to quit activism”

  1. Wow, that’s big news. I have been hearing a lot of crazy news stories today for some reason. I wonder why? ­čÖé

  2. I guess you have to care about this “Debito” guy for this to have a chance of being funny. Was this really in the Japan Times? If so, how lame of them.

  3. Pretty much everything Debito writes in The Japan Times reads like an April Fools Day story already, so I didn’t immediately catch onto it.

  4. Why are you guys always mocking dude? None of your jokes on him (in articles or comments) make any sense unless the reader already believes he’s a goon.

Comments are closed.