Philly Cheesesteaks Suck — My trip to Philadelphia

First, let me tell you why I’m writing this: THE HYPE SURROUNDING PHILLY CHEESE STEAKS IS A LIE AND MUST BE STOPPED. They are disgusting and deserve none of the fame that they have gained. Now let me explain:

I recently had the chance to visit beautiful Philadelphia with Mrs. Adamu. The first capital of the United States includes a major monument to its role in the American Revolution in the center, which was certainly very impressive but not quite impressive enough to actually make me wait in line to see the liberty bell. Mrs. Adamu and I were soon bored, on our way home we decided to try the famous Philly Cheese Steak at Geno’s Steaks in South Philly — the biggest mistake I’ve made in a long time.

I felt betrayed as soon as I took the first bite and was greeted with hot blandness. All the hype, all the anticipation amounted to this:

Listen to the ingredients: Steakums, cheez whiz, and chopped onions on a soggy Portuguese roll. WTF? That’s it? This is the same crap I’ve been heating up in the microwave as a last resort food for years! What gives, Philadelphia??

The only thing that made it edible was the hot sauce that was available in the condiments section. At least then there was something to taste.

Initially I blamed myself. Had Japan tainted my taste buds so that I can no longer enjoy classic American food? Mrs. Adamu, a native Japanese, supported this initial suspicion. But then, no, I reasoned, I still like root beer, cheeseburgers and pancakes, so I must still be American enough to have an objective opinion.

So how could this have happened? Millions of people must be cheated out of their money each year based on the false assumption that something is different about Steakum sandwiches in Philadelphia. What a scam.

Clearly the cheese steaks are popular — there were stands all over the historical district and both Geno’s and the place across the street were lined up. Why weren’t more people spitting out their food and demanding their $6.50 back? I mean that’s a lot to pay for what’s basically the equivalent of peanut butter and jelly.

The answer came to me in a message from God. Without warning someone in a car shouted “NAZI FUCKS!!!!” in our general direction and sped off. Were they talking to me? (I shave my head so who knows) I looked around:

(Read here for more about this guy and Mumia)

(Note the tribute to 9-11 next to the Freedom Fries — aside from us and some other tourists, the rest of the customers were cops and firemen)

It was at once obvious that this place that serves its dubious delicacies with a heaping help of local pride and admiration for the most prominent local heroes, cops and firemen. These people don’t come here for good food, they come here because it’s part of their identity.

Now, that’s all well and good, but why must cheesesteaks then become something pawned off on unsuspecting out-of-towners? Perhaps because without cheesesteaks and the liberty bell, there isn’t exactly much to differentiate Philly from, say, Boston, DC, or other second-tier American cities. Yet I can’t accept the idea that any claim to fame is better than none. You might as well brag about having the world’s best green beans. These things are BLAND, BORING, AND SHAMEFUL. All Philadelphians with any self-respect would do well to shut these scheisters down before they can do any more harm. Besides, I hear they’re run by Nazis.

23 thoughts on “Philly Cheesesteaks Suck — My trip to Philadelphia”

  1. Yeah, next time, get one with mushrooms and real cheese, maybe ketchup or mayonnaise. That’s a lot better… don’t go for the bland Cheez Wiz type.

  2. OK, I take it back. It’s GENO’S that sucks, perhaps not the whole cheesesteak establishment. I sure was disappointed though.

  3. If you ever come up to northern NJ, you’d do well to check out a place called “Jimmy Buff’s” in West Orange. They’ll cook you a mean cheesesteak. Basically, they cook everything on a slanted griddle…. one end is your basic griddle where you would cook eggs or steak-ums, the other side (since it’s so sunken into the table) is essentially a deep fryer. Nevertheless, they make everything on pita bread, and if you order a cheesesteak with fries, you get your cheesesteak AND fries with toppings in the bread.

  4. As much as I hated living that last year in New Brunswick, one thing I must say is that town has no shortage of good cheesesteak. Realize that a GOOD cheesesteatk doesn’t use fucking frozen steakums, they use actual slivers of cow flesh, and a slice of cheese, not something that drips out of a can. Although I guess I should mention that it might be nice and patriotic if New Brunswick grease trucks used cheesewiz instead, since that stuff was invented at the food science department of Cook College, Rutgers University, New Brunswick.

  5. BLASPHEMER!!! The cheesesteak, by its very nature, is good and wonderful and perfect. Certain establishments can screw them the hell up though.

    My preference is to get them from carts with onions and american cheese. And with real meat and whatnot.

  6. OkeeDokee,

    No Pilli steak sandwich. Got it.

    Philladeliphia is such a nothing town that they have to come up with something. Steakums, ha?

    Somethings are overblown. Even in LA. If you come to LA, don’t go to ChinaMann theater. It is nothing but a stupid arch in front of a movie theater. Nothing to write home about. I don’t know why that place became such a big story.

  7. There’s a place here in Los Angeles that makes them with mayo, mushrooms, and mozzarella cheese, they’re the shit. You just had a bad one. A philly steak cheese sandwhich, in theory, can not suck-impossible.

  8. “steakumms”?

    If you can’t recognize the highest quality ribeye, sliced paper thin, cooked to perfection, served with caramelized onions, delicious wiz on a fresh out of the oven Amoroso as one of the most divine creations on the planet, do us all a favor and shoot yourself. cunt

  9. You didnt buy an authentic Cheesesteak, those Genos steaks are fake. Go to a more Urban area and you will find a real cheesteak. Im a Philly native. Go to a black community and you will find the real deal.

  10. Haha dude, I almost feel sorry for you that that fuckin Japs corrupted your taste buds into appreciating only rice and soy sauce. I’d rather pay $4,000 for a one inch cheesesteak from Geno’s (aka shithole) than have someone pay me $4,000 toward an all-you-can-eat Jap food feast. I pray you’ll move to that piece of shit island so our country has one ungrateful bastard in our land.

  11. Genos and pats suck burro balls…I did some work in Phillie and got a steak from some small carryout under the business I was doing computer work for, now that was a cheese steak! At home I do make steakums, but use seasoning salt, pepper and provalone on a seeded steak roll…Good Shi* Mike in Maryland

  12. Geno’s is da Best. You don’t like it, than stay outta Philly! We love Geno’s and Joe Vento is the Best Steak maker on Planet Earth!

  13. dont go to pats or genos. get american cheese not cheez whiz and get no onions/shrroms/ anything just throw on extra cheese and ketchup

  14. Do you know what sucks worse than Philly sports? Philly cheesesteaks! I dated a girl from Philly and had the unfortunate chance of visiting your shitty town. She took me to one of those cheesesteak places and man did that thing suck! Cheese wiz?! you gotta be kidding!? It tasted like a hot turd.

    Pittsburgh has MUCH better cheesesteaks and sandwiches in general. You’ve got uncle sams who makes the best cheesesteaks and primanti for that authentic pittsburgh sandwhich.

  15. You are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO right. I think that the myth of the “delicious” Philly Cheesteak came out of poverty. For those with not much money, this was originally a treat in a meatless week. Truth is, this sandwich is bland, bland, bland and about as imaginative as a beige living room. Philadelphia is such a magnificent city to be associated with this hamburger helper excuse for a sandwich.

  16. ummm…philly cheesesteaks are supposed to be pretty bad. it’s part of their charm (?). yeah, the real cheesesteaks are supposed to have greasy cheesewiz and crappy amoroso rolls and c-grade meat. its street food. get over it.

    to baduk, LA is by far the most “nothing” city i have ever lived in. get over yourself.

  17. I heard they put cheese whiz on there steak subs ? YUK!! thats not how you make a real cheese steak sub.

  18. So, I go down to philly on a day road trip from NY, all excited about a cheesesteak, about 5 locals told us about Jim’s, and one friend from NY about Ishkabibbles, which apparently gave another friend’s sister explosive diarrhea.

    So we go to Jim’s, and it’s the blandest effing thing I’ve ever tasted, I mean a hot dog with kraut isn’t exactly gourmet, but at least it has “taste”.

    Long story short, stay away from cheese steaks, they suck and they’re bland, just like the entire city of Philadelphia, the best part of our trip was coming back out of the Lincoln tunnel and being back in NYC.

  19. Being Italian and from New York I was shocked at what passes as good food in Philly.
    My cousin from Italy ate a sandwich with the soft roll that they serve just about everywhere in Philly and spit it out thinking it went bad. Steak Em and cheese whiz does not a delicacy make. Fight over Geno’s or Pat’s is like fighting over McDonald’s and Berger King for the best pink slime on a bun.

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